Of Giving

Writing this is one of the toughest things I did recently. I am currently finding it hard to be creative. God help me.

The handkerchief shielding my forehead from the burn of the afternoon sun falls off my head. That moment, I could see everything before me as I step out of the bank. It is Thursday and as usual, it seems the day has been circled as beggars' day. Outside the First Bank that I am stepping out of, there is a well arranged queue of beggars holding out their bowls at passers-by to drop a dime. As the sun burns so hard, the thought of dropping a penny in any of the bowls does not flash through my mind. I just walk by them. One of them has his bowl thrust out than others. Using the total length of his arm, the bowl does not miss hitting my leg, which makes it seem as though I kick the bowl out. As my leg hits the bowl, I hold a pace, to apologize. As though the man is waiting for that moment, as our eyes collide in contact, he says, “funmi lowo, osese boota nibeun ni”. Give me money, you just came out of there. There, meaning the bank.

I keep walking.

I would get inside, while recounting the money because I withdrew it from the counter, before whatever the man said strikes me. Sometimes, it takes days for an utterance to settle in me. Like grief, it takes the process of absorbing, then sinking, then denying, then accepting, before bursting inside of you. Apart from the glaring fact that the man does not possess any right to my money, what also stopped me from giving when I clearly had? I am always sitting with the idea that everything I own does not belong to me because that way, I find it easy to give out what can be given out. But I also find it hard to take out of whatever I own. Giving the man a little out of the money with me would not stop me from hitting the target I intended to use the money for.

What drives us to give?

I find myself giving out a thing when it is not requested from me. Like traveling in a bus and offering to pay for an old woman’s fare when she haggles over the fare with the driver. Or paying for a secondary student’s meal at a restaurant when she seems to have forgotten her money at home. This way, I don’t find myself calculating whatever amount of money I have with me.

I feel so uncomfortable when someone requests for help and I can’t render. Beyond money, like a friend requesting me to read through their drafts. But I have come to realize that there is a margin between “can’t help” and “don’t help”. A self-decided thought of not rendering help is far different from a help you don’t have the ability to give. But people don’t want to hear that. That I own two wristwatches does not mean I am comfortable giving out one of them. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t walk into a store to get two wristwatches if I don’t need them. At the same time, why own two wristwatches when someone else owns none?

Which makes me ask often, what drives us to give?

On WhatsApp, some of my contacts share graphics of people suffering from one health problem or two and need donations for surgeries. Even when the amount of money in my account is not up to ten thousand naira, there is always the urge to donate half of it. Which I don’t. I am not a spender because if something is not very close to the wall of importance or urgency, I would continue pending it. So when I have about ten thousand naira in my account, and clearly I don’t have something important or urgent to spend it on, why don’t I donate?

I have come to realize that there is a margin between “can’t help” and “don’t help”. A self-decided thought of not rendering help is far different from a help you don’t have the ability to give. But people don’t want to hear that.

Giving is a form of kindness but it is so easy to say than do. Nobody can talk and do when it comes to giving money. Which is why I appreciate, so hard, anyone that gives me money or anything, no matter how little.

Side hack: I have limited my rate of spending since last month. Anything wey involve billing, I shift. And since then, I think I have been having a considerable amount of money in my account. Moral lesson: if you want to win your battle against sapa, stop spending.

Like Mahfouz Adedimeji said, “give and forgive, don’t get and forget”.

(Writing this is one of the toughest things I did recently. I am currently finding it hard to be creative. God help me. Which is why I would love to know your thoughts about it).