Loose Emotion

I know I can’t control how people feel about me but there are intentionally generous people, and by their acts you shall know them.

Title inspired by BNXN

6:48 PM

It is raining so heavily as I write this and it is weird that I can type while the roofing is beating parapakpa. I am comfortable writing in silence. I just got out of the bathroom because I’d been sleeping like a dead rat all day. So I am just covered in my towel. Best time to see me naked is when I’m writing. As I was pouring water on my head inside the bath, something was tingling me inside to write. I have no idea of what to write about but who am I to deny whatever was tingling me inside its pleasure?

In my head, I am replaying moments I’ve let people down, moments I’ve hurt someone so bad that I am not sure I could forgive myself for till the end of time.

For the first time in my life, I wrote out the important things I intended to get done today. Drawing a schedule fails me. I don’t follow the list. I either stretch out of the list or end up completing just a task in all. When this happens, failing to complete, a sense of failure starts to creep in. There’s a lot of craps around me than to be bothered by a stupid list. But today, I drew out things I intended to get done and miraculously as I type this, I have executed every task on the list. This is giving me a rethought of setting a plan for myself. I have always left my life to swerve as God wishes. There are things I wished to have happened to me but haven’t. And there are things I had never expected but are currently breathing in my life.

Earlier, Burna Boy’s Want It All was on replay. There is a line in the song that narrates as “remember when no one believed in me”. Not exactly how Burna said it but you get the drift. I don’t know why I am particularly drawn to the song today, but my essence of existence has been on “striving to achieve”. Lately, I have stopped measuring success through my career alone. As someone said, there is a person behind the character of a writer. I think people believe writers to be some unique creatures who are molded to be perfect. In my head, I am replaying moments I’ve let people down, moments I’ve hurt someone so bad that I am not sure I could forgive myself for till the end of time.

How I measure success right now is based on everything that forms me. How I am as a person. How I am to people. I don’t want people to say “Ahmad acts so different to be a writer”. Like I no be human. I know I can’t control how people feel about me but there are intentionally generous people, and by their acts you shall know them. I want to be like them. As much as I am obsessed with legacy, I don’t want people to remember me alone as a writer. But also as a kind man, as someone whose words don’t cause damage to other persons’ hearts.

What is the essence of life if not a motion of sadness with some wave of happiness?

I also measure success with my state of mind. What condition my state of mind is would determine what spot I am currently in life. I am at a point in my life where everything is crashing behind me and I don’t appear bothered. My mental balance is not that stable but it is so unlike before. I mean, I am having three out of the seven days in a week to be happy, unbothered, not thinking about an editor that has ghosted for over a year, or a publication that has been thrown out because “it is too indigenous”. Lol. I have not been writing as much as I used to. I have not been reading as normal too. But my heart is so at peace with it. (Well not exactly at peace but sha). Although in a way, I am bothered that I am not bothered about these things. I hate that I am not bothered. I hope I am alright. I hope things go back to normal. I hope sadness creeps totally out of me. That’s impossible. What is the essence of life if not a motion of sadness with some wave of happiness? (I think I have some background in physics, lol).

My keyboard is so wet from the drips of water from my body. But my body is dry because I am not applying lotion. I will save this and head back to the bathroom to perform ablution. I am combining Maghrib with ‘Ishai.

I will close this with a quote from one of my favorite footballers, Marcus Rashford, that “choosing to be kind to others is one of the most important things you can do in life”. Be kind, friend.