I work full time as a writer. I can't find my essence

A rant that would have gone into my journal. (Please, blame the editor for the errors.)

I was in my third year in school when I first earned money with my writing. It was an indescribable moment and for close to two weeks, I didn’t spend a dime out of the money because I didn’t know what to do with it. I was used to being cautious with whatever amount I had in my savings because when it finished, I didn’t know where else to get another. I knew how hard my mother struggled to pay my fees.

Some weeks after, I divided the money into two and indecisively used half to buy a new mobile phone. I knew I needed a new gadget because I was tired of writing on my friends’ phones. Months after I got myself the new phone, a friend shared a piece I wrote on his phone when he wanted to clear its memory. I realized how much of my writings would have been cleared out of my friends’ phones. But I wasn’t bothered. I was just glad I could start earning money now as a freelance journalist. I didn't know the journey would be filled with long nights of crafting and sending pitches that would get zero responses. As a creative writer, I didn’t care about earning with my writing. So I used to see freelance journalism as the hustle while creative writing as the real passion. But hearing directly from people and writing about their experiences balanced the two things for me. I am interested in being a journalist as much as I want to be a creative writer. But I invest more in creative writing than journalism because my stories haunt me so much not to tell them.

When I was writing my last paper as an undergraduate, I put a call out across my social networks that I was open to job opportunities. I knew how difficult it is to get a good paying job as a fresh graduate in Nigeria. On the side, I continued practicing journalism, reaching out to editors for advice and guidance. The night Adama Juldeh Munu, a journalist I met at a virtual conference, replied to my email with a long text of how well I can set myself right on the path of journalism, something sparked in me, something that made me realize writing is the only way to save myself. I have no other vocational skills anyway. I can’t draw. I can’t sing. I can’t sew. I can’t make shoes. The only thing I have to save myself is writing.

Some months after I put the call out on social media, I got a good paying, full time job. I am a believer but I never knew how miracles work. Getting that job felt like a miracle because I had not even collected my certificate from my school. Maybe it was due to the work I’d invested in my writing. Or not.

For the past five to six months, I have been working full time but every time I wake up in the morning, the first thing I battle with is the anxiety of how I’m going to perform at work; how, when asked how was today?, I’d be able to say yes, yes I got these done. Since I started, I hate to mention that I can’t exactly point out what thing I’ve achieved work-wise. I sometimes feel like asking my team members but I withdraw the thought. I always feel it would seem like exposing myself. Of course I know they'd notice if I'm redundant at work but I feel asking them would make the notice sooner.

I understand that a new challenge can be daunting but it's been months. I hate to feel this way.

Maybe there's an experience one needs before getting a full time job. Maybe I should have started as an intern? Maybe that would have made this feeling... alleviating or less confusing?

Nah. I don't believe so.

As I am more interested in creatively telling my stories, I am finding it difficult to be creative. Working in the media requires me to be connected to my internet throughout the work hours which I am now unusually addicted to. I used to completely disconnect myself from the internet and focus on books. I now struggle to complete a book. 

What I do everyday at work is to write and edit. And quite obviously writing is the only thing I love doing, no? But right now, I am working because I need to cater for my needs, to taste the luxury that comes with financial freedom, not because it's my dream job. And the major problem that poses a question to me everyday is: what's my dream job? I simply just want to write stories. That’s all I know how and want to do. 

While in school, before finishing months ago, I had to juggle between meetings and the stress of being a final student. I might be standing at a lecturer’s door when my phone would alarm me that it’s time for a meeting. My head became heavy when I had to force myself to finish tasks of many days in a single day, under brief hours just to balance the moment.

I contemplated quitting a few months after starting the role. But I slapped myself out of that thought because I started applying for jobs because I was simply tired of freelancing. And who quits their job without an alternative? I’m a believer and that quitting thought was already brewing the thought of how ungrateful I am, that there are thousands of people out there who would kill to get the job, and that quitting the job would mean I’d have to start hunting all over. And I also fear poverty. And this is Nigeria, you better take what’s offered to you now because you never know what else would be offered; might be worse. It’s a struggle and it honestly builds a rocky house of anxiety in my heart.

The structure of the Nigerian system has turned the heads of youths like me into bags of worries. Towards the end of my time in school, my friends were very much more interested in earning than getting their certificates. My friends and I have failed to go with the first batch of NYSC, a one-year compulsory service to the country, because we all have things that we have engaged in. “I have some gigs that I won’t be able to execute if I go now,” a friend said. Meanwhile, NYSC is a compulsory part in forming our future should we intend to settle in Nigeria. So quite basically, survival has made us throw a part of our future to the bottom? We'd still go.

Day by day, I am learning not to worry about my performance and just do the work by putting in my all. I still have a dream I am nurturing inside and I believe it will happen, one day. For now, I will work hard and make life easier for myself, if I can. But if I am asked if it is advisable to accept a full time role while studying, I don't know what my response would be.