I am Pausing Bareness

So, maybe, until I find something different to present myself, I will pause Bareness for a while. I hope to be back, I hope not.

I woke up today again to write something for this space. For three consecutive days, I woke up intuitively just to write something here. But each day, after reading whatever I'd written, I crawled back into myself and moved the piece into the junk of drafts.

On Tuesday, I decided to write about a bird I encountered as I was heading to the gym. When I was coming back, I found the white bird with its head splattered on the street, blood staining its white feathers. I wanted to write about how flippant dying can be, that the person you smiled with yesterday becomes an imagination just soon. I did write about it and I was prepared to post it here, but at night, again, I crawled back into myself and decided not to.

On Wednesday, I woke up feeling hungry and I had little cash on me. Since I became independent, I have tried to train myself to cook, and not get used to buying take-outs. But on that Wednesday morning, I woke up hungry and I didn't even have enough on me to buy takeout. I could buy the takeout but I might just be sipping the air afterwards as food. I wrote about it and I thought it would be my next post here. When I reread it in the evening, it was so bleak and dark and so contrasting to some thoughts I had shared here. I did promise not to regret the decision of being independent (because why should I?) but there's just a lot happening at a time. I find it hard sometimes to sort things out just because I don't know which to do first. So I was not going to post it here.

On Thursday, I woke up to write again and halfway into shaping up my thoughts, I stopped and closed my personal laptop. I switched to my work laptop and worked till the tinge to write slipped out of me. 

I was crawling back into myself not because what I wrote were bad. Even if they were bad, I am someone who is always proud of whatever I create. Bad or not, I believe it came from somewhere inside of me. It's like a child, I can't denying giving birth to it.

While I’m away, I hope you'd share my thoughts with people if you find the thoughts worthy. And I hope you share Bareness for people to subscribe and read me. I might be back, I think I will, but this will be some sort of a metaphor for my death, that my works could succeed me when I’m no more here. Let's see.

But I was crawling back because I am at a stage where I am evaluating myself. Since I started sharing myself on here, I have received quite a lot of emails asking me about what goes on in my head every time I write because it's always about sad stuff. One of the emails asked, “when does it stop?” And God knows one of the best things you could ever do for me is to write to me about my work. When these messages come in, however it is, I feel elated, to receive them, because they make me feel important. But I think I'm at a stage where I need to evaluate myself. I don't regret the notes, and I wish to receive more.

I believe in the idea of staying true to yourself and your art, but I think there's some sort of ‘pressure’ that I can't help but succumb to now. It's becoming quite a lot that someone even asked me, physically, after exchanging hugs, “are you sad?” I asked why they asked and they said they follow me on here and I only write about sad stuff. Maybe it's high time I paused for a while. Maybe it's high time I set out to find stuff that would be about something else. 

So, maybe, until I find something different to present myself, I will pause Bareness for a while. I hope to be back, I hope not.

While I’m away, I hope you'd share my thoughts with people if you find the thoughts worthy. And I hope you share Bareness for people to subscribe and read me. I might be back, I think I will, but this will be some sort of a metaphor for my death, that my works could succeed me when I’m no more here. Let's see.